When we’re in a new committed relationship that feels like it is going well, how can we know if we should invest more time in it. On the one hand, a lot of it feels right, and it works. On the other hand, sometimes we feel there are things that aren’t how they should be. A new relationship can check some of what we want, such as:

• Sharing similar interests and enjoying the same activities,
• A similar background and upbringing, and
• Having the same short-term goal of a committed relationship, marriage, and family

but sometimes, it feels like something may be missing. It can feel like we’re not getting something we want from our partner or the relationship. This leads to questions such as: Am I heard and seen in this relationship? Do we interrelate and share equally and positively? Is it ok to feel upset or hurt at some things?
To examine the feelings behind these questions we need to be open and honest with ourselves. We cannot ignore our partner’s behaviors or justify some situations if we don’t like how we’re treated or how we’re interacting. If we make excuses for our partner, giving them passes on what they are or aren’t doing, we need to take a closer look.

Developing Attunement and Equanimity

To understand what may be missing in the relationship, or why at times we may not feel heard or seen, we need to define what we want from the relationship. Defining a relationship together will help build attunement. Attunement is being in tune with someone. It means you understand your partner because you know what they want, what they need, and how they feel. You know what makes them who they are. It means you “get them” and they you. This doesn’t mean you don’t need to communicate and be open and share. It means the relationship is a safe place to be vulnerable, to feel comfortable sharing with each other, knowing your partner will be present, listening to your needs, frustrations, or desires.
Attunement is like a perfectly tuned instrument. If we’re not in attunement, or if we’re out of tune with our partner, we may feel like how an out of tune instrument sounds – jarring, screechy, out of harmony. Building attunement creates a relationship where both partners share openly about what they want and how they feel. It allows each partner to understand what drives their behavior and their partner’s behavior. Answering these questions together can help:

• Do we want the same kind of relationship? What does that look like?
• Are we both looking for a close relationship? What does closeness mean?
• Do we both want to talk and listen to each other?
• What will drive the relationship?
• How will we relate to each other?
• Are we equally independent or does one of us need more support?
• Are we interested in each other’s company and doing activities together?
• Do we want to be social? How do we feel about each other’s friends – women and men?

Once attunement is reached in a relationship both partners can gain equanimity. Equanimity is a sense of calm, equal footing, and an ability to be composed. This allows you to be open, to share, to handle conflict with care toward each other. When there is equanimity it’s easy to be open and to bring up whatever may be bothering you, because you know it will be heard with compassion and understanding. If you feel unable to share how you feel or say what may be bothering you, for fear your partner will get mad, or not listen, or blame you, this is a red flag.

The Value of Difficult Conversations

It can be difficult to talk about our relationship with our partner. It can be difficult to share what we want and how we feel. However, difficult conversations are an opportunity to support one another, to be honest, to learn from each other, and to build a closer relationship.
This is why attunement is important. When we are in a supportive relationship where each partner is open and listens to the other, difficult conversations become natural. We can make difficult conversations easier by taking ourselves out of it, which lessens the tendency to be defensive. To take ourselves out of it we need to be open to listening to our partner and be honest with ourselves and each other. We don’t want to react, get angry or be judgmental. We want to try to understand the situation as best as we can, which means trying to see it from more than just our side. It means looking at it from the other person’s perspective. In doing this, we open ourselves up to have empathy as we see how the other person feels, which helps us to understand why they did what they did or acted in a certain way.

Defining the Relationship and Understanding Each Other

When partners understand each other’s needs, wants, and behaviors, talking about what may not be working is an opportunity to build a stronger relationship. The list below identifies some areas of a relationship that can be explored to be sure each partner’s needs are met. A closer look at what each partner wants from the relationship, and what their motivations are, is crucial to building a harmonious long-term relationship.
Do either of you:

• not listen to each other when you have specific needs to address
• not support each other by not listening or diminishing what your partner is saying
• lessen the validity of the other’s needs or how they feel
• blame the other for something that happen, or possibly something they did

If these things happen rarely, or only occasionally, it may not be a big issue – but it’s something to recognize and discuss.